Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
