a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
