Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
