Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
