definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
