Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
