i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
