I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
