So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
