the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
