my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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