we have pet lesbian snakes
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
