I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
