I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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