listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
