If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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