Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
