So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
