Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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