You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
