Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
