Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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