No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
