My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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