I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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