He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
