i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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