My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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