I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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