My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
