That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize