my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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