Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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