she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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