Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
