You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
