I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
