i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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