either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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