Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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