Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
