i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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