Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
