Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
