even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
