i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And then my night got REAL pukey
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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