Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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