she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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