I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
