are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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