And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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