I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize