don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
