can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize