i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
