Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
