Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
