What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
