____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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